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Evolution part 2

Posted 04-22-2012 at 01:56 PM by WNxProphecy
Updated 04-22-2012 at 01:59 PM by WNxProphecy
The next couple of weeks were pretty rough. I felt for my mom more than anything. She later said my sister was there to handle all the appointments and phone calls, and that I was there to help her emotionally. We got through the funeral and had him cremated. Just me and my sister spoke. I didn't have anything written down but just spoke from the heart. I felt it was kind of a brutal eulogy at best. I didn't pull any punches or lie about the man my dad had been or my shitty relationship with him. I told everyone, all his family and old friends, that they all new my father better than I. I just knew the man he grew into after the weight of his life had broken him. Still though many people said it was a good speech and very intense... intense seems an odd word to use but eh, that's what they said.

After that.... things got weird in a good way. I went to my SECOND therapy appointment, imagine how that went. The first time around- Yeah I'm just feeling down about some stuff. Second time around- Yeah same as before, and my dad is dead. My therapist about had a fit. What was really surprising... I had never felt better. I felt free. My therapist nailed it in saying that perhaps my father had been holding my whole family back. We were all always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now that it had we all exhaled. I realized that I was in control of my life, that I could do whatever I wanted. I was positive and forward thinking. I opted to try out anti depressants, a big deal for me given the stigma I attach to prescription meds. They worked really well and after that I just went on a working spree. There was some traveling. Helping a friend fight boredom house sitting out of state and going to visit my dad's stepmom. I got a little inheritance and blew it unregrettably like any 21 year old would. Life was good and is still pretty good to this day.

I got pretty down about my girl problems, or even lack of girls to have problems with haha. When you were going through what I went through in highschool, you didn't have any self confidence, self value, and you were embarrassed about your home life. So I had no social network and definitely no opportunities for romance. I also worked from home, didn't go to school, and didn't have a car. I did manage to move out though, which was pretty nice lol and I'm loving where I currently live. But still, my lack of self confidence on the women front was bugging the hell out of me.

I posted on facebook about it and this guy I'd hung out with before infrequently said he might be able to help. He basically just stepped in as a male role model for me. He showed me how to take all the revelations I was having about life and implement them on the romantic front to. I realized once again, I was as good as anyone. I had always been a prideful person and thought pretty highly of myself, and I realized that's because other people got that vibe as well. The only thing holding me back romantically was me. I had another revelation. As much as you can be your own worst enemy, you can in equal parts be your own best ally. There were a whole lot of 'fuck yeah, me!' moments. I started working out again. I started going out to bars and clubs as much as possible just to be sociable and meet people. I started realizing who it was I wanted to be and headed in that direction. I realized that socially I was as powerful as I allowed myself to be. All this weird counter intuitive stuff. I started surrounding myself with similar minded people. Lost 20 pounds. All this good stuff :D I became a person that sought out ways to grow. I believe most people walk through life in a reactionary daze. They wait for circumstances to be forced upon them so they grow. I decided I wanted to find opportunities to grow and take charge of my life.

That's been the last few months. Recently, with job and financial troubles, I haven't been able to go out as much, but other than that, things have still been really good. Playing a lot of league of legends now.

Ya know I've realized I'm out of things to talk about. Maybe I just wanted to blog about my dad dying, idk. Hopefully this was a somewhat enjoyable read, and if you're sad about anything I've written remember the most important part of a story is the ending. It paints over whatever else has been said. I know this story has a happy ending, even if I don't know what it is yet.


Oh yeah! My father was a musician and audio engineer, and my mother a singer. That's how they met in fact. This is the only recording I currently have of them playing, if you're interested.

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  1. Old
    Great story. Here's hoping your job prospects turn around.
    Posted 05-21-2012 at 05:32 PM by WNxKid Meatball WNxKid Meatball is offline

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