Epilepsy and being an epileptic gamer
Posted 05-13-2016 at 10:55 AM by WNxSargothBhemec
I have epilepsy. For those unfamiliar with what that means, that means I have seizures. For those unfamiliar with what THAT means, I'll get into it later. Now I don't write much, mainly because I've never been that great at writing. I side track a lot, and tend to lose focus on what my subject is very easily, so I apologize ahead of time.Let's get into what a seizure (for me) actually is. Now there are different kinds of seizures, and different people may experience different things. I have had seizures all my life, though it wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that we really connected the dots. According to my parents I would suddenly stop what I was doing, and just kind of stare blankly off into space, then resume what I was doing with absolutely no knowledge of any time passing. They would tell me this, and I would just shrug it off because A) I was a child, and B) I had NO KNOWLEDGE of any of these events, and thought they were just crazy.
As time passed, the seizures became more physical. An average seizure for me consists of my thoughts becoming a horrid jumble of current, and past ideas slamming into one another with all the grace and beauty of a brick falling on a carton of eggs. One thought jamming into the next, into the next, back to the first, off to a third, back to the second, and so on. Trying to focus on any one thing is a lost cause because I cannot make sense of what I am seeing. It is just a hazed mess of nonsense. Words lose all meaning, as does my ability to make any sense of what controller I am using. Often times I try to send a text during these times, and it just comes out as a jumble of random words. Next, the world begins to bleed. What color is the world's blood, you ask? Rainbow. Yes, rainbow blood. Rainbows begin to boil out of the ether, and manifest in my vision, further obscuring my sight. They are generally shapeless blobs of swirling color that bubble up and spread through my vision. No matter what direction I try to look, that bubble remains on that part of my eye. Up, down, left, right, there's that amoeba of color.
After this point, I lose conciusness, so from here on out is what is told to me from witnesses.
The loss of conciousness brings on a generally stiff body. My left arm seems to favor a twisted, controrted claw motion. I apparently lick my lips a great deal, my eyes flutter back into my head, and if I'm not on the ground already, I most certainly am now. This goes on for anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes, until I finally relax and begin the reboot process. Now this part of the process becomes the best truth serum you could ever hope to have. Anything you want to know about me, this is the time to ask. I CANNOT lie. I will mindlessly answer all questions asked of me to the best of my speaking ability (which isn't all that great). Yes or no questions are your best bet. Trying to form words is really just a no go at this point and time. It will usually be a drooling slur, at best. So it is off to sleep I go.
After a good hour of sleep, I have someone check up on me. At this point and time, I can answer questions with a few more words. The PROBLEM is that I may not be in the correct time period. My brain might still think I live in another state, that I am 15, that all of my dead cats are still alive, and that my writing homework isn't done (because it rarely was). But as long as I am talking, that's a generally good sign. If I'm not... well... then it might be time to go to the ER because something might not have set right. Knock on wood, I haven't had that happen yet. Usually half an hour or so after THAT, is when I can begin the standard, crawl out of bed, and discover where I hurt myself. Oh, and find out if I lost bladder control, because that's a fun discovery, too. Bruises are uncommon, but I have found some pretty nasty ones. I had a bruise the size of a softball on my right, back side from having a seizure and landing on a piece of wood. The bladder thing... doesn't happen often. 3 times in my life, and here's to hoping it doesn't go up any higher, because that's the one that really throws me into a depressed state.
Now that we know what a seizure IS, what causes it? Unfortunately I cannot play anything that uses 2d sprites flashing repeatedly to create the simulation of movement. This means NES, SNES, Genesis, and all of the new "retro" games that keep coming out. The flashing rips away at my resistance, and I can rarely play for more than 10 minutes or so. I have audio sensativity as well, but so far, no game has triggered that. I need to keep a balanced sleep schedule, so I have to moniter my play, and not pull crazy all nighters like I used to. Also, food. Eat food.
Some people seem to think of epilepsy or seizures as a joke. Something to laugh at.... *long pause, angry face at Whitest Kids You Know*.... I am here to say, it's not funny. I get the joke, because I AM the joke. People also have the stigma that "if you have epilepsy, you cannot game!" I think my record speaks for itself.
I have epilepsy. I am also a person. But I am also a gamer.
As time passed, the seizures became more physical. An average seizure for me consists of my thoughts becoming a horrid jumble of current, and past ideas slamming into one another with all the grace and beauty of a brick falling on a carton of eggs. One thought jamming into the next, into the next, back to the first, off to a third, back to the second, and so on. Trying to focus on any one thing is a lost cause because I cannot make sense of what I am seeing. It is just a hazed mess of nonsense. Words lose all meaning, as does my ability to make any sense of what controller I am using. Often times I try to send a text during these times, and it just comes out as a jumble of random words. Next, the world begins to bleed. What color is the world's blood, you ask? Rainbow. Yes, rainbow blood. Rainbows begin to boil out of the ether, and manifest in my vision, further obscuring my sight. They are generally shapeless blobs of swirling color that bubble up and spread through my vision. No matter what direction I try to look, that bubble remains on that part of my eye. Up, down, left, right, there's that amoeba of color.
After this point, I lose conciusness, so from here on out is what is told to me from witnesses.
The loss of conciousness brings on a generally stiff body. My left arm seems to favor a twisted, controrted claw motion. I apparently lick my lips a great deal, my eyes flutter back into my head, and if I'm not on the ground already, I most certainly am now. This goes on for anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes, until I finally relax and begin the reboot process. Now this part of the process becomes the best truth serum you could ever hope to have. Anything you want to know about me, this is the time to ask. I CANNOT lie. I will mindlessly answer all questions asked of me to the best of my speaking ability (which isn't all that great). Yes or no questions are your best bet. Trying to form words is really just a no go at this point and time. It will usually be a drooling slur, at best. So it is off to sleep I go.
After a good hour of sleep, I have someone check up on me. At this point and time, I can answer questions with a few more words. The PROBLEM is that I may not be in the correct time period. My brain might still think I live in another state, that I am 15, that all of my dead cats are still alive, and that my writing homework isn't done (because it rarely was). But as long as I am talking, that's a generally good sign. If I'm not... well... then it might be time to go to the ER because something might not have set right. Knock on wood, I haven't had that happen yet. Usually half an hour or so after THAT, is when I can begin the standard, crawl out of bed, and discover where I hurt myself. Oh, and find out if I lost bladder control, because that's a fun discovery, too. Bruises are uncommon, but I have found some pretty nasty ones. I had a bruise the size of a softball on my right, back side from having a seizure and landing on a piece of wood. The bladder thing... doesn't happen often. 3 times in my life, and here's to hoping it doesn't go up any higher, because that's the one that really throws me into a depressed state.
Now that we know what a seizure IS, what causes it? Unfortunately I cannot play anything that uses 2d sprites flashing repeatedly to create the simulation of movement. This means NES, SNES, Genesis, and all of the new "retro" games that keep coming out. The flashing rips away at my resistance, and I can rarely play for more than 10 minutes or so. I have audio sensativity as well, but so far, no game has triggered that. I need to keep a balanced sleep schedule, so I have to moniter my play, and not pull crazy all nighters like I used to. Also, food. Eat food.
Some people seem to think of epilepsy or seizures as a joke. Something to laugh at.... *long pause, angry face at Whitest Kids You Know*.... I am here to say, it's not funny. I get the joke, because I AM the joke. People also have the stigma that "if you have epilepsy, you cannot game!" I think my record speaks for itself.
I have epilepsy. I am also a person. But I am also a gamer.
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